Written by He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.
[Proverb 8:22]
Almost every Christian man who knows the importance of the WORD of GOD, is familiar with the above mentioned scripture, even if he had only heard it for the first time, on his wedding day!
Most of us enter our marriages with a sense that our wife, our husband–our Beloved–is a precious gift from GOD, that we are committed to care for, with tender love.
Husbands, in particular, are taught (at what point in their lives, however?) to
“Dwell with them (their wives) according to knowledge, giving honor to the wife,
as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that
your prayers be not hindered. (Emphases are mine.) [1 Peter 3:7]
We shall return to this Scripture.
An active listener and an active discussant all my life, who has witnessed and heard an amazing variety of “shockers”, I am nonetheless still struck “dumb” –literally speechless in open-mouthed wonder–by eyewitness and victim accounts of beatings, including kicking and inflicting of wounds with handheld objects, by formerly loving, “apparently” kind husbands.
Then, what is it in the man, that would make that man take his precious gift from GOD and turn her into a punching bag, a shattered vessel, “deserted and distressed in Spirit?”
[Isaiah 54:6]
With each passing day, despite increasing levels of education, and decades of public sensitization, and consciousness-raising on the dangers and evils of wife abuse and domestic violence, there is no reliable evidence that the incidence of wife beating, in particular, has decreased significantly in most countries of the world.
In the United States alone, there is a style of male undershirt popularly called ‘wife beater’ by presumably intelligent and sometimes educated younger women, as well as men!
Indeed, what is particularly disturbing is the fact that–quiet as it is still kept–horrendous cases of wife abuse and domestic violence, sometimes leading to murder, have been identified among so-called Christians.
Such was the case recently in one of the world’s fastest growing churches, with branches in Nigeria, the United Kingdom and the United States.
A young man who had actually been considered for a leadership position in the church, recently was discovered to have murdered his young wife, after repeatedly having beaten and tortured her in different incidents since their marriage began.
She had left him a few times, returning to her parents, but would always leave them to return to the life-threatening behavior of her husband because, as she reportedly confessed to close friends and family, she did not want her newborn baby to grow up without her father.
Today, barely two months since her mother was finally beaten to death, that same baby will grow up without her mother and her father–first, because of the viciousness and duplicity of the father/husband, and secondly, because of the reckless dependence and poor judgment of the mother, and all those who knew her predicament, yet failed to rescue her from predictable destruction.
HARDNESS OF THE HEART
Let us reason together, my brothers.
Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away
your wives; but from the beginning it was not so. [ Matt 19:8]
It is only hardness of the heart that would prompt a husband to beat or manhandle his wife, for even the provocation of that “unruly member”-the sharp tongue of one’s wife-can never justify the husband seeking recourse in physical violence, which has been appropriately called the language of the incompetent.
Verbal abuse is bad enough and very harmful, too.
But hardness of the heart, as Apostle NikeWilheims, once powerfully asserted, is a demon.
No red blooded child of GOD can point to a single line, ‘‘jot’’, or ‘’tittle’’, where Scripture either prescribes or rationalizes the violence of a stronger vessel, against “the weaker vessel”, the wife.
Whereas The WORD of GOD expressly cautions parents against spoiling the child by ‘sparing’, or failing to use the rod, that is, spanking or physically disciplining one’s child—(with exceeding abundant wisdom, we must add)–there is no Biblical reference that in any way condones physically disciplining one’s wife–or husband, for that matter.
POOR ROLE MODEL, WEAK FOUNDATION
In the beginning of this Post, we asked the question ‘what in the man would provoke him?’
Whereas many men might proffer answers which sound rational, even to a wife who has been subject to the same upbringing, or exposure, statistically, it has been established that nine out of ten men who strike, beat, or otherwise abuse their wives grew up with fathers, or male authority figures, who also beat their own wives, who were most often the mothers of these same wife-abusing husbands in the present generation.
What are we saying?
Young boys and youths who have experienced abusive husband role models, even though they hated the violent behavior of their fathers, often grow up to repeat these same abusive patterns of relationship in their adulthood, when they become husbands, and also parents.
If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?
[Psalms 11:3]
Many of us come from generations of wife-abusing and also child-abusing fathers–a weak foundation indeed. Yet, we are called ‘righteous’ because, having given our lives to CHRIST, we are made to be in right standing before GOD.
REPROVE SHAMEFUL SECRETS
But this level of being ‘justified’ in CHRIST does not permit or rationalize or ‘justify’ the sinful nature–or the criminal act–to have dominion in your life, or in your marriage.
For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the LORD;
Walk as Children of Light; (for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and
righteousness and truth) providing what is acceptable unto The LORD
And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but
rather reprove them. For it is a shame even to speak of those things
are done of them in secret. (Emphasis mine) [Ephesians 5: 8-12]
You men, who have friends who you know beat their wives, do you ever remember any of them standing in a group of your Christian friends and confidently talking about how he beat his wife?
How many husbands who are Christian, comfortably share the fact that they are adulterers—having, or “going out with” a woman, mistress, girlfriend or concubine?
Very few, if any.
And you do know that if you are aware of such behavior, either as a friend, or as a fellow Christian, it is your responsibility to take him aside, admonish (warn) him, and exhort (encourage and even plead with) him to cease and desist from such shameful and destructive behavior.
What if, indeed, it is you, yourself, who is doing such to your Beloved?
GO BEFORE GOD/SEEK COUNSEL
Whatever has drawn you into a pattern or lifestyle of sin, whether it is a foundation ‘destroyed’ or polluted by generational sins of wife-abuse (and/or child abuse), or whether you have started beating your wife without such antecedents, go before GOD today-NOW-and ask HIM to dry up forever, that wellspring of bitterness and death within yourself, before it is too late– for you, for your wife, for your marriage, for your children, and for your generations yet to come.
Upon all you have done to know GOD, to serve GOD, to model The LORD JESUS, would you want to lose your salvation, your right standing before GOD, and your place in The Lamb’s Book of Life, because of beating the wife GOD gave to you to cherish and to nourish and to protect?
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife,
loves himself, For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and
cherishes it, even as The LORD the church. [Ephesians 5:28-29]
And what of you who are yourselves ministration leaders, pastors, priests, and apostles of The Most High GOD?
But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection; lest by any means,
when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.
Shame is shame. Sin is sin. And the yawning, cavernous mouth of hell is reportedly full with former pastors, priests, apostles, and popes.
THE WAY OUT
No matter how long this terrible pattern of abuse has been going on, there is a way out.
There has no temptation taken you but such is common to man; but GOD is
faithful, Who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but wiill
with the temptation also make a way to escape that ye may be able to bear it.
[1 Cor 10:13]
Beating one’s wife is a demonic temptation, so resist it assiduously, doggedly.
Resist the devil, and he will flee.
[James 4:7]
SEEK DELIVERANCE
And seek deliverance, as we said before; go before GOD, asking HIM to forgive you of all your sins, and name all the ones you know.
Then, if you know how to pray in the Spirit–speaking in unknown tongues–pray in the Spirit, asking Father GOD to cleanse you of sins unknown to you, too.
Don’t hold back with GOD. HE already knows you, inside and out. And The HOLY SPIRIT will convict you of all that you have done, helping you to bring these sins, transgressions, and iniquities to your remembrance.
For often, when we go before Father GOD for deliverance for one particular thing, we are reminded of those other things that our flesh wants to hold on to, that GOD wants to dispel from us, in their entirety.
With GOD, there is no ‘little bit clean’, ‘little bit saved’, ‘little bit dirty’.
Therefore ask Father GOD to cleanse you of the sins of abuse, and other sins. Repent of your sins and ask HIM for Grace to never repeat those terrible ways again.
Soak yourself in The Blood of JESUS.
Confess your love of GOD–Father, Son, and HOLY SPIRIT–and confess your love for your wife, your Covenant Beloved.
FIND THE TRIGGER/SEEK HER FORGIVENESS
In most patterns of abuse, there is something–an expression, an exchange of words, a scenario that seems to set it off, whether it is an excuse or not. Ask The HOLY SPIRIT to reveal it to you, and be open with your Beloved.
Sometimes it may be an expression of apparent disrespect, yet even this is still not an excuse or reason.
Apologize to your wife for every time you have hurt or abused her.
Express your repentance, and ask your Beloved’s forgiveness, and mean it.
There can be no forgiveness without your genuine humility, and a contrite, repentant heart.
SEEK GODLY, PROFESSIONAL COUNSEL
Now this is the part that some Christians resist more than they resist satan–seeking counsel.
You need Godly, professional counsel–a pastor, pastoral couple, or specialist who can work with you and your wife, and keep you accountable, for if you are not willing to be held accountable, you are not likely truly ready to repent and change, and stop forever the abusive behavior.
ALTERNATIVE
There is an alternative, indeed, there is likely more than one.
But no one who means well for you, your wife, and your marriage, will counsel your wife to stay where she is subject to physical and psychological abuse.
Be willing to let your wife and children move out temporarily, or you move out, while you get yourself together under an agreed upon mode of supervision.
But when a husband/father is persistently abusive, vengeful, and erratic, then he poses a palpable danger, and his wife and children should seek shelter in an undisclosed and protected location.
Under such circumstances, meetings with the husband should only take place in the presence of designated protection, in which the wife is well out of range, that is, out of harm’s way—blows, gunshots, acid attacks, etc.
Both of your extended families should be represented in the collective decision making, but those representatives of each of your families should be mutually agreed upon by you and your wife, and should be people whom you both believe want your family to succeed and prosper.
And, most importantly, these family members or relations must know that they have only one mandate–to help keep you together in peace and in health.
In short, they may counsel, but not cancel.
CONCLUSION
Dealing with the issues of wife abuse or domestic violence is very sensitive.
Remember, however that with GOD–no matter how trenchant or convoluted your particular case may appear to be–there is nothing impossible with GOD!!!
And JESUS looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible,
but not with GOD: for with GOD all things are possible
[Mark 10:27]
If a husband and wife who have shared love, have just faith–unwavering, mountain-moving faith—even just one of you, all things are possible to him or her who believes.
Ask Father GOD to Divinely separate you and your husband from every habit , desire, practice or relationship that does not give GOD glory, in JESUS Name.
Ask HIM to break every yoke of bondage—spiritual, Physical, Moral, Mental, Academic, Financial, Marital, Sexual, Relational, Generational (…Whatever it may be) over your and your husband’s life; ask Father GOD to open your spiritual eyes and ears that you may see and hear HIS Glory, in JESUS Name.
To be dynamic, be specific. Be specific with the type of bondage, be specific with whom you are praying for, as well as what you are binding, rebuking, or praying against.
Most importantly, believe GOD that that which HE has started in you and your Beloved, HE is faithful to complete, until JESUS comes.
You are heirs together of the grace of life.
You will do nothing to hinders your prayers, in JESUS’ Name.
HE will heal your marriage.
JESUS healed it on the cross.
It is well with you.
It is well with your Beloved.
It is very well with your marriage.
For as it is in Heaven, so it is in your marriage, in JESUS’ Name. AMEN!
Christian men will even beat their wives for cheating on them and having manstresses (male mistresses).